Contributed by Michelle Munoz
in memory of Addison Danielle
Starting at 36 weeks I started having problems. Addison (Addie) had flipped breach and her doctor, Adam, and I were preparing for the “what will happen if she doesn’t flip back” scenarios. Our other daughter Isabella was admitted into the hospital for three days due to a severe ear infection. While there with her I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen and called our doctor. I was told I needed to go down to OB and have them check me out. I couldn’t take Isabella, who was 2 yrs old, downstairs and they couldn’t come upstairs to check on me. So I did what most would and stayed with Izzy until she was discharged and admitted myself into OB. They did a non stress test and listened to Addie’s heart and told me i was fine, that was a Friday. That Sunday I went back to the hospital and was admitted overnight because I couldn’t hardly walk and felt like something was wrong with Addie. A muscle relaxer and another non stress test later I was discharged again. Later that week the doctor told me Addie had flipped back into proper position so no more fear of cesarean or procedures to flip her back. I was worried she wasnt moving as much, but she had a strong heartbeat and the sonograms looked good. We also scheduled her induction for Sunday Oct. 31st. Only one more check up to go. The night before my appointment I told Adam she just wasn’t moving like she had been, but we were told she was fine so I got up on Oct. 28th for my last doctor’s appointment. When I got there they went to do a non stress test and couldn’t find her heartbeat. I was moved into another room and The doctor came in immediately, started the sonogram and told me there was fluid in her lungs and no heartbeat. Everything that I had known changed in a moment. I was praying to God in between calling my husband at work and our family. Izzy was outside the room playing with the nurses and Aidan (our 6th old) was at school non the wiser. We had to go to the hospital to deliver Addie. I had them double-check for a heartbeat, praying that much harder for God to let her heart beat again. Reality was she was already with God. Telling Aidan was one of the hardest things to do, but a month later he devoted his life to God saying “Addie was sent to save him.” On Oct. 29, 2010 Addison Danielle Munoz was stillborn. She was a beautiful baby girl who looked just like Isabella. I was discharged a few hours later. I couldn’t leave the hospital until they (the funeral home) came and got her. We had great friends help us get through the funeral and the emotions of grieving from their own personal experience. Each day is a new day. You never stop thinking of the loss of your child. It is a daily occurrence. My biggest struggle comes in my Sunday school class where two other couples have since had their baby and bring them to class. I am happy for them but my heart aches. I know I will see Addie when my time comes and that helps. We are trying to get pregnant again sand I know when that day comes I will be scared and nervous till delivery. You never know when the day will come that changes you forever. My faith in God will see me through it all.
Embracing Grace 
My last period was Oct. 29, 2011. I found out later that Adam and I were expecting again! The excitement has been great!! To see the significance in the dates shows me that God never left us. However, a new journey is beginning. One filled with more overpowering emotions than I could have ever expect. Our first doctor’s appointment came with news of baby is great but there is a Subchorionic hematoma next to the sac. My heart sank and worry set in as Adam asked what that meant. To us all we heard was increased possibility of miscarriage. We didn’t hear all the other positive things. I left there scared that God was going to be holding another one of my children and telling Him that I am not strong enough for that. We went back this past Thursday (Dec. 15th), and we’re told it looks as though my body is dissolving the hematoma (still present but significantly smaller). The baby was looking good and we should be able to hear the heartbeat. I froze with fear…Addie’s heartbeat was the last thing I DIDN’T hear and my emotions came over me like a ton of bricks. I was scared and crying at this beautiful new life growing inside me. Not knowing what was next. 116 beats per minute, a healthy baby. But I sat there overcome with how happy I was, but how also how much I missed Addie and hearing her heartbeat. I am sure that as this pregnancy goes on I will experience a lot of new and different emotions I never thought I would. Praises to God who protects us.
Thank you, Michelle, for sharing these thoughts. I hope you will continue to post your fears and joys as your pregnancy continues. I think I might have held my breath through everyone of my appointments when I was carrying Ethan – so afraid I’d see that concerned look on the doctor’s face during and ultrasound or examination. But the little guy is just as healthy as can be and melts my heart everyday. My prayers are with you as you anxiously carry this precious child.