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For Hope

Amy recently shared this on her Facebook page and I want to share it with Embracing Grace readers as well.  Doing something like this helps you honor your baby and give to others who find themselves in the same heartbreaking place you have been.

In Memory of Hope Elizabeth Houser – March 27, 2012

Amy writes, “I’ve been working on these boxes for a few days. When you have a still birth the hospital gives you a box filled with things to remember your baby. People make blankets, outfits, jewelry, and keepsakes to put inside the box. I decided to honor my daughter with a donation to the hospital in her name. People won’t know that the word hope is actually there in memory of a baby– but I will know.”

Thank you, Amy, for sharing such a wonderful way to give out of your heart and cherish your daughter.

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Happy Mother’s Day

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Happy Mother’s Day. If you have other children it is a day full of “We love you, Mom!”, hugs and handmade crafts that make you smile It’s great But if you’re like me there is a little part of your heart that aches for the missing hug, crayon-drawn card and pasta necklace. If you don’t have other children, I imagine the hurt is far more prevalent, making you feel as if others don’t really think of this as your day too. It is. Celebrate today the blessings of children, whether they are tugging on our shirt or missed in your heart.

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Prayers for Ryan and Georgiana

Please be in prayer for Ryan and Georgiana Masters,
who just lost their baby – Ezra.

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I pray that they will feel God’s love filling the hole in their hearts and giving them strength to endure this -
that they will cling to the promise that God’s grace is sufficient… even now.
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Remembering Oliver

Oliver Reese McBee
March 30, 2011

Today we honor the memory of Oliver Reese McBee on his first birthday.

Please pray for Mary on this anniversary of the loss of her son,
and for big sister Sophie.

Heavenly Father, I lift Mary to you today knowing that her heart still aches for her baby.  Please wrap your arms around her and let her feel your love even greater than she feels her pain.  May she lean on your grace and know that it is enough to carry her through even the deepest valleys.  Remind her that there is a small community of people here that understand her loss, and that she is not alone.

In Your Grace, Amen.

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Unanswered Prayer?

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

There are no words to describe how grateful I am for the number of people who continuously offered up prayers on behalf of little Grace in the weeks that we fought to save her life. People came and prayed with us at the hospital, sent notes and word that they were praying and simply covered us in petition to God to heal her. Their prayers held us together and offered us hope.

Later, as we received condolences and sympathies for our loss, there were some who commented about the prayers that had been offered. “It is so hard to understand why God didn’t answer our prayers.” Most faithful church attenders will be quick to tell you that God always answers prayer, but sometimes the answer is “no” and that is hard for us to accept.

I believe that is true, but here is the crazy thing – I don’t think our prayer was unanswered OR that the answer was no. If you’ve read the post “Our Story…the details” you already know my assessment. I believe that God’s ways are just far beyond what we can understand. I think he fulfilled our prayers for her healing completely and permanently.  She will never know pain or hospitals or the limitations of a physical disability.  He healed her.

Jesus can relate, I think.  When he was about to face his betrayal and crucifixion he spent an agonizing night in the garden.  He told the disciples that his soul was “overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” and his prayers reveal that his humanity desired a way out of the situation he was facing,  “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.”  But his prayer didn’t end there – “Yet not as I will, but as You will.”  He cried out to God with a plea that things be different, but ultimately surrendered to God’s will.  I doubt very much that His son’s cruel death on a cross was what God wanted, but it was a necessary step in a bigger plan.

There is a part of me that wants to cry out to God “That isn’t what I meant!” or “Why didn’t You heal her and let us keep her?”   But as much as I don’t have answers  to those things and I won’t even pretend to understand, I trust that God is loving…. always.  He does hear our prayers and He answers them.  Despite our limited view and ability to grasp, His ways are higher than ours, better than ours, and always for His glory.  I have to believe that Grace’s death was a necessary step in a bigger plan.  It wasn’t just about that horrible moment when we said goodbye to our little girl.

If God had said yes to what Jesus wanted in that moment in the garden, where would our salvation be?  I pray that I am always able, no matter how desperate my prayer, to pray as Jesus prayed.  “Not as I will, but as You will, Lord.”

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♪ All of Me

Contributed by Cassie Goldsberry
in memory of Rebekkah Grace

from the album "Every Falling Tear"

“All of Me”
by Matt Hammitt

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I’m so close to what I can’t control
I can’t give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

(Chorus)
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Chorus

Heaven brought you to this moment, it’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me, you’re worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me, you’re worth all of me

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Zach & Cassie’s Story

Rebekkah Grace Goldsberry - December 25, 2011

We were so blessed. We had our first son Nov 5, 2010. Perfect baby. Had almost the perfect pregnancy except for a lot of swelling-healthwise it was perfect. We decided to try for a 2nd baby and were surprised to get pregnant almost immediately. I remember Zach and I saying that we felt kind of bad because some people try so hard for a baby and it was so easy for us. This pregnancy was even more perfect than the first. No swelling, no sickness, nothing. We found out at 20 weeks that we were going to have a little girl. We kept thinking how perfect! We had a boy and he was going to be the big brother to a baby girl. The ultrasound showed that she was perfect in every way. We went along with our busy lives and kept planning. The Wednesday before Christmas, I woke up at 4am wet. My first thought was, “oh no! My water broke!” I rushed to the bathroom but couldn’t tell if I had gone to the bathroom or if it really was my water. I didn’t want to wake my husband so I went to the living room and opened the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book. I flipped through reading everything I could about my water breaking. (My water broke in the hospital with my son so I wasn’t sure). After doing the tests, I thought I really just wet the bed. So then I was just embarrassed, but hey things like that happen when you’re pregnant. I told my husband, he was initially scared, but then we had a good laugh over my “situation”. The next couple days I noticed Rebekkah wasn’t “jabbing” as much as she had previously. I felt her “rolls” so I thought that was ok. That Friday,I went to my 24 week appt. I didn’t get to see my regular OB Dr and saw the NP instead. I told her about the wetting situation and about the movement. She didn’t seem concerned. Rebekkah’s heart beat was normal and I measured normal. On Christmas Eve, I had to work. I woke up that morning feeling kind of nauseous but attributed it to something I ate. I started feeling achy in the shower like I had a fever. I took my temp and I was 99.3. I thought, that’s ok, it will probably go down. I took Tylenol and some nausea medicine and went to work. At work, I kept feeling achy and my temp kept climbing. I started to have this pain in my lower abdomen. That’s when I got nervous and called the Dr. He decided I should come to the hospital to be seen. I called my husband and told him not to worry because it seemed that they really thought I just had an infection of some sort. As I was driving to the hospital, the contractions started. There was no doubt in my mind at that point that the labor had started. Now I’m a nurse at a Children’s Hospital so this was not what I wanted to have happen. I know the statistics, I know what happens to babies born this early even if they survive. It’s not good. I remember calling my husband and telling him he needed to be on his way and how scared I was. I just remember trying so hard not to give him the details running through my mind because I didn’t want him to be as afraid as I was. I got to the hospital and they started monitoring my contractions. They couldn’t pick them up. They checked me and I had dilated 3cm and was 80% effaced. Not good if you don’t want a baby yet. The Dr came in and did tests, they did another ultrasound and thought the fluid looked a little low. I got admitted at this point, started on medication to stop the labor and was on strict bedrest with my head lower than my body. They were hoping to do the medication and a procedure the next day to stop the labor . We were just hoping I would get this and be on bedrest and go home. The contractions kept getting stronger and longer. The high risk OB Dr came in and did another ultrasound and asked me “Sweetie, have you felt your baby moving?” That question floored me. I knew where we were going with this. I didn’t want it to happen. The fluid level was unbelievably low. My water had broken that Wed. We were going to have a baby whether we(or she) were ready or not. At this point I wasn’t allowed any medications for pain because they were afraid they would affect Rebekkah. I had a c-section with my first so I didn’t know what to expect from a natural birth. I gave birth to Rebekkah at 7:20pm Christmas Even 2011. It was so different because it was so quiet. She was quiet, the dr’s were quiet, the nurses…nobody was saying anything. I just kept crying because she wasn’t making any noises. The Dr’s put the breathing tube in before they left the room—they let me hold her hand for a few seconds before they took her to the NICU. I was so devastated. Usually everyone is so happy when you deliver a baby and everyone was just so subdued. They kept working on her in the NICU for hours before we could see her. When we finally got to go up it was about 1am Christmas morning. We got there and she was hooked up to everything you can imagine. The Dr told us that her right lung just kept collapsing and there wasn’t anything they could do. Her oxygen level remained in the 30′s (and it’s supposed to be 100%) and she was on the most oxygen she could be on. Her blood work came back and she had an infection, but she didn’t have the cells to fight it off. The dr told us there wasn’t anything more to do at that point. I just remember looking at her and thinking how perfect she looked. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with her. We made the decision to take everything off of her at that time and just got to hold her. The nurse let me help her dress Rebekkah in a pink sleeper. I just remember thinking “this isn’t how I was supposed to be dressing her the first time”. We held our little Rebekkah as she left us at 2:45 Christmas morning; and I keep asking God to hold her the way I would hold her, to cuddle her the way I would cuddle her, and to love her they way we would love her. A mom’s job is to hold her babies, and mine was being ripped from me. She was so beautiful and she was going to take after daddy in looks. It’s heartbreaking to lose her, but it’s comforting to know that she IS in the arms of God and he will hold her exactly the way I would.

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Keepsakes

After reading Cassie’s comment on Things People Say , I thought it might be nice if we shared some of the things we have done to treasure the keepsakes, photos and memories of our little ones.  I wrote briefly about how we have done this in the post Letting Go?

Drawing of Grace by Daddy

We have a pencil drawing of Grace on our wall that daddy did after her funeral.  It is a little easier to publicly display than photographs since we never got to see our daughter alive.

Grace's Box

Most people can’t handle the pictures we have, so they are tucked away along with blankets, bears, footprints, clothes, countless cards and other mementos in a very special box.  To most it is just a decorative piece in our house, but to me it holds some of my most treasured and heartbreaking earthly possessions.  I don’t open it often, but it will always be a part of our home and my other children know that it is to be respected and untouched.  I would recommend purchasing a special box like this for anyone who has lost a child.  There are so many things that you just aren’t sure what to do with.  You know you want to keep them, but you can’t emotionally handle seeing them everyday.   You need a special place just for them.

Flowers for Grace

Because we don’t know if we’ll always live where we do now, we chose to place Grace’s remains in an urn that will always be near us even if we move far away in the future.  Most of the year it holds dried “Baby’s Breath” flowers, but I like to put fresh flowers in it on her birthday each year.

"Remembrance"

There are other items displayed as well – like the Willow Tree figure that was part of the funeral arrangement on her tiny casket or the “Grace” alphabet art that includes the verse I use for the basis of this blog (2 Corinthians 12:9).

2 Corinthians 12:9

 

How do you remember your child?  What have you done with whatever keepsakes you have?  For some, I know that entire nursery’s were prepared and sat empty.  You may have had a baby shower and been flooded with gifts that you no longer know what to do with.  Please share your ideas as we help each other and those who will find themselves needing these answers in the future.