Reliving The Fears

For some, another pregnancy is not an option.  The complications that caused their loss may mean another pregnancy isn’t possible or advised.   I’m sure this leaves the couple feeling especially without hope, and why I am not always a fan of the term rainbow baby.  If this is your situation, I am praying for you to find your hope.  Here is a great article for you. 

Because of the physical trauma the fetal surgery caused to my uterus, it was important that I didn’t get pregnant for a full year after we lost Grace.  This was probably for the best emotionally as well.  When we did conceive Ethan, our youngest, I was a nervous wreck through the whole pregnancy.  The calendar dates even lined up pretty closely.  Every doctor’s visit was scary.  I was so afraid that we’d get bad news.  I found myself constantly checking for movement, wanting to hear a heartbeat – any form of confirmation that everything was OK.  This nervousness began very early on, even though it was quite far into the pregnancy with Grace that we found out there was a problem.

God gave me a gift at 11 weeks that lessened my apprehensions.  I was sitting on the steps of our home in the early morning hours having some quiet time with God.  As I prayed, I became more and more emotional, telling God how hard it was to trust that everything would be OK this time.  I told him that I didn’t want to be untrusting, I was just so scared.  As I stopped talking and just sat with tears rolling down my face, I very clearly felt our baby move.  It was brief and I didn’t feel obvious movement again for a couple of weeks.  But this wasn’t my first pregnancy.  I know what I felt.  I am sure that every doctor/midwife in the world would tell me that it was too early to feel movement and it was “just gas”.  But I’m convinced that it was God’s way of giving me a personal promise that this pregnancy would be fine.

Amazingly enough, I’ll admit I continued to be easily paranoid.  What does that say about my faith?  But I tried to use every worry as a reminder to pray, remember that moment when God “spoke” to me, and to trust.  That little flutter in my tummy, way too early to be felt, was Ethan – who brings me such joy and laughter today.

Here are some pictures of little ones born to parents who had previously lost a child.  I hope their faces bring you a smile and hope if you are in the midst of another pregnancy after a loss, or considering it.

 

 

 

If you’ve had another child after losing one, I’d love for you to post your thoughts below.  Was it easy?  Were you scared?  If you’re expecting again now for the first time after a loss, feel free to post your insecurities so we can encourage you!