Personal Stories

Zach & Cassie’s Story

Rebekkah Grace Goldsberry - December 25, 2011

We were so blessed. We had our first son Nov 5, 2010. Perfect baby. Had almost the perfect pregnancy except for a lot of swelling-healthwise it was perfect. We decided to try for a 2nd baby and were surprised to get pregnant almost immediately. I remember Zach and I saying that we felt kind of bad because some people try so hard for a baby and it was so easy for us. This pregnancy was even more perfect than the first. No swelling, no sickness, nothing. We found out at 20 weeks that we were going to have a little girl. We kept thinking how perfect! We had a boy and he was going to be the big brother to a baby girl. The ultrasound showed that she was perfect in every way. We went along with our busy lives and kept planning. The Wednesday before Christmas, I woke up at 4am wet. My first thought was, “oh no! My water broke!” I rushed to the bathroom but couldn’t tell if I had gone to the bathroom or if it really was my water. I didn’t want to wake my husband so I went to the living room and opened the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book. I flipped through reading everything I could about my water breaking. (My water broke in the hospital with my son so I wasn’t sure). After doing the tests, I thought I really just wet the bed. So then I was just embarrassed, but hey things like that happen when you’re pregnant. I told my husband, he was initially scared, but then we had a good laugh over my “situation”. The next couple days I noticed Rebekkah wasn’t “jabbing” as much as she had previously. I felt her “rolls” so I thought that was ok. That Friday,I went to my 24 week appt. I didn’t get to see my regular OB Dr and saw the NP instead. I told her about the wetting situation and about the movement. She didn’t seem concerned. Rebekkah’s heart beat was normal and I measured normal. On Christmas Eve, I had to work. I woke up that morning feeling kind of nauseous but attributed it to something I ate. I started feeling achy in the shower like I had a fever. I took my temp and I was 99.3. I thought, that’s ok, it will probably go down. I took Tylenol and some nausea medicine and went to work. At work, I kept feeling achy and my temp kept climbing. I started to have this pain in my lower abdomen. That’s when I got nervous and called the Dr. He decided I should come to the hospital to be seen. I called my husband and told him not to worry because it seemed that they really thought I just had an infection of some sort. As I was driving to the hospital, the contractions started. There was no doubt in my mind at that point that the labor had started. Now I’m a nurse at a Children’s Hospital so this was not what I wanted to have happen. I know the statistics, I know what happens to babies born this early even if they survive. It’s not good. I remember calling my husband and telling him he needed to be on his way and how scared I was. I just remember trying so hard not to give him the details running through my mind because I didn’t want him to be as afraid as I was. I got to the hospital and they started monitoring my contractions. They couldn’t pick them up. They checked me and I had dilated 3cm and was 80% effaced. Not good if you don’t want a baby yet. The Dr came in and did tests, they did another ultrasound and thought the fluid looked a little low. I got admitted at this point, started on medication to stop the labor and was on strict bedrest with my head lower than my body. They were hoping to do the medication and a procedure the next day to stop the labor . We were just hoping I would get this and be on bedrest and go home. The contractions kept getting stronger and longer. The high risk OB Dr came in and did another ultrasound and asked me “Sweetie, have you felt your baby moving?” That question floored me. I knew where we were going with this. I didn’t want it to happen. The fluid level was unbelievably low. My water had broken that Wed. We were going to have a baby whether we(or she) were ready or not. At this point I wasn’t allowed any medications for pain because they were afraid they would affect Rebekkah. I had a c-section with my first so I didn’t know what to expect from a natural birth. I gave birth to Rebekkah at 7:20pm Christmas Even 2011. It was so different because it was so quiet. She was quiet, the dr’s were quiet, the nurses…nobody was saying anything. I just kept crying because she wasn’t making any noises. The Dr’s put the breathing tube in before they left the room—they let me hold her hand for a few seconds before they took her to the NICU. I was so devastated. Usually everyone is so happy when you deliver a baby and everyone was just so subdued. They kept working on her in the NICU for hours before we could see her. When we finally got to go up it was about 1am Christmas morning. We got there and she was hooked up to everything you can imagine. The Dr told us that her right lung just kept collapsing and there wasn’t anything they could do. Her oxygen level remained in the 30’s (and it’s supposed to be 100%) and she was on the most oxygen she could be on. Her blood work came back and she had an infection, but she didn’t have the cells to fight it off. The dr told us there wasn’t anything more to do at that point. I just remember looking at her and thinking how perfect she looked. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with her. We made the decision to take everything off of her at that time and just got to hold her. The nurse let me help her dress Rebekkah in a pink sleeper. I just remember thinking “this isn’t how I was supposed to be dressing her the first time”. We held our little Rebekkah as she left us at 2:45 Christmas morning; and I keep asking God to hold her the way I would hold her, to cuddle her the way I would cuddle her, and to love her they way we would love her. A mom’s job is to hold her babies, and mine was being ripped from me. She was so beautiful and she was going to take after daddy in looks. It’s heartbreaking to lose her, but it’s comforting to know that she IS in the arms of God and he will hold her exactly the way I would.

9 thoughts on “Zach & Cassie’s Story”

  1. Cassie,
    Thank you for posting your story. It helps us endure this to know that there are a few others (more than there should be) we can talk to who really do understand what this feels like. Your post will help someone else who is struggling with the loneliness of feeling like no one gets it.

    I was especially touched by the last part of your post when you talk about holding her. I still feel like I just need to hold her one more time – to rock her close to me and sing to her. It is so hard to get past the feeling that your arms are just empty.

    Please know that I am praying for you constantly and I am here anytime (day or night) you want to talk.

  2. Your story is to be shared Cassie. What strength and courage the Lord has given you to put it into words. I am moved. Thank you for sharing. My prayers are with you and Zach.

  3. You are so brave to share your story Cassie, Thank you. I am sure you have provided comfort to so many parents who have shared the same feelings. I am so very sorry for your loss. She is with Jesus and I am so glad that He can give her everything she needs, until you get there.

  4. Cassie and Zach, I am so sorry for your loss. I know that Jesus is holding your precious baby girl and God is watching over all of you. Thank you for sharing your story and beginning the healing process. God bless you and your Family.

  5. CASSIE THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY, YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS I KNOWING YOU, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL LADY AND SPIRIT, IT BROKE MY HEART TO LEARN WHAT HAD HAPPEN DURING THAT TIME . I RECALL GOING TO MY LOCKER PRAYING FOR YOU AND BREAKING DOWN, I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT THE WORLD OF YOU , AND TO THIS DAY, I HAVE LIL REBEKKAH FROM THE SERVICE IN MY WALLET. BUT ITS GOOD TO KNOW INSPITE OF IT ALL GOD HAS SMILED UPON YOU AND BLESSED YOU JUST THE SAME. LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU.

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