Almost two years ago, I got a chance to reconnect through social media with a dear friend from my high school youth group. She had seen my Embracing Grace posts, read our story, and wanted to share her own with me. As heartbreaking as these stories are, I feel so blessed when people choose to share with me – I can pray for them all the more deeply and be inspired by their strength. Carrie gave me permission to share Kyle’s story here. It isn’t for the faint of heart, so proceed with caution, but I know you’ll find beauty, truth, love, and courage in these words.
Carrie – prayers and hugs for you and Mark as we remember and celebrate Kyle today.
We found out that Kyle had gone to be with Jesus at my 14 week appt. no heartbeat. Ultrasound confirmed. No longer kicking baby boy inside of me. I went back the next day for another ultrasound just to double check the results. Just for my own mind before making any decisions for him. Drs encouraged a D&C. But I knew what his little body would look like at 14 weeks and I had already felt him kick inside of me. I told the Drs “no I know there’s a fully formed baby inside of me and I can’t just have him sucked out.” So that night I took pills to induce labor. I told them I just don’t want this baby at home. So they told me when I was in too much pain and started bleeding to call and they’d give permission to go to the hospital. Well God decided to bring Kyle in 5 hours rather than “24-48 hours” like the Drs said AT HOME! But God knew this is exactly what I would need. Now I’m so glad my husband and I had our precious time loving on our little 4 inch baby boy standing there in the bathroom after I had caught him in my hand and my husband had cut the umbilical cord! We would never had been able to spend those moments in the hospital the same way. The Drs told me we wouldn’t be able to know the gender, the baby would be a ‘jello like’ gray substance and that I probably wouldn’t want to see it. Well that was completely wrong. Kyle was perfectly formed, all 10 fingers and toes, a little boy part, a little bottom crack, and completely our Caucasian skin! So grateful we made the decision to give birth to our son! I did not pass the placenta so I did have to go into the hospital for a D&C for that part. I’m here to tell anyone that thinks babies are not babies till 20 weeks, that they are wrong! But knowing that law, I asked the hospital if they were just going to ‘throw him into a red hazard bag’? They said yes and that they would ‘dispose’ of him. I couldn’t stand the idea of that. I asked if I could take him and bury him myself. Apparently you can’t take dead bodies with you even if they’re only 4 inches and not considered a ‘baby’! So we called the funeral home. They went to pick him up. A few days later we had just our 6 family members at a burial as we helped to bury the 18 in casket in the ‘baby land’ section at the cemetery. Good choice as we now have somewhere to go and something to decorate for him.
So that’s our story! The joyful part is when we welcomed our little blonde haired blue eyed Nathan to complete our family the following December. He’s a gift that we would never had known if Kyle had been here. God’s got the whole world in his hands for sure. Often times we don’t like it. But He knows what he’s doing! Nathan in no way replaces Kyle. But his joy sure helps to make Kyle’s loss more bearable!
Embracing Grace 