I can hardly believe it has been 15 years, but it has. I am grateful that time does indeed ease the pain of wounds, but… in a way, I’m also glad there is still a scar. It would be even more tragic if we were truly able to forget.
The intrauterine fetal surgery that was an attempt to save our daughter’s life left me with an 8″ scar down my belly. For a long time, it was very painful. For months to follow, a simple sneeze, cough, or even a good laugh would strain the tender flesh and cause physical pain that jerked me back to the emotional pain of our loss. Eventually, the tissue repaired itself and the sensitivity subsided, but I will forever have the mark on my body that represents the tear in my heart.
Don’t get me wrong… it isn’t pretty. Trust me, you don’t want to see it! But I see it daily, and it reminds me of our little girl and of all of the people I’ve promised to pray for who have endured a similar loss. I wouldn’t get rid of it even if I could. At this point of healing, remembering is exactly what is most important to me.
If you are still throbbing, bleeding, raw – hold on to this promise… If you put your pain in the hands of the God who loves you more deeply than you can imagine, He will heal you. He will turn your mourning to dancing, bring beauty from your ashes, and work good through even this. No, you won’t forget. You shouldn’t. Your child mattered in this world and is forever a part of you. But your open wound will become a scar of remembrance under the care of a loving God.
My hope with this blog has always been to support those who share this journey and to make sure the names of these little ones are remembered and honored. Over the last year (as our family has been in the process of selling a house, buying another and moving), I have fallen short in my attempt to post remembrances consistently. But today I have reorganized the list of babies, parents, dates, and details and renew my commitment to do better in letting all know their child isn’t forgotten.
Especially on this day each year, I can’t help but wonder… What would our not-so-little-anymore Grace be like? What would her interests and talents be? What would her laugh sound like? What would we call her? I don’t know any of this, but one thing I do know… her life made an imprint in this world – on me, on us, on others we’ve only encountered because of her.
Happy 15th Birthday with Jesus, Grace. We love you.