My month long hospitalization involved many, many ultrasounds. During a normal pregnancy there are very few of these scheduled, and you look forward to them with great anticipation of being able to see your baby. Despite the frequency, they never failed to amaze me. The most incredible thing – which I’ll never, ever forget – happened during one of my amnio draws. They had to insert a very long needle into my uterus to withdraw the excess amniotic fluid that would build up due to the CCAM (see Our Story… the details). To make sure they didn’t harm the baby, they did this under the direction of ultrasound. During two of the these procedures, I watched as our little Grace became curious enough about this strange invader to her home that she actually reached up to touch it! The doctors had to keep moving the needle away from her tiny, investigative hand as it opened toward the needle and tried to close around it. Remarkable.
David writes of the wonder of God’s creation in Psalm 139:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
As you read the words of these verses, I’m sure you are wondering why I would choose to share this story and these verses in this particular blog. Doesn’t knowing that this unborn child is unmistakably created by God in intricate detail only make the loss more heartbreaking? Verse sixteen is the hardest. What about when there are no days that come to be beyond birth? I write of these things because I believe that even though God knew what the outcome would be, He believed this life was something worth creating. I cannot answer the nagging “why” question, but I know that God doesn’t waste a hurt or a life, even a brief one. God looked upon your baby and the days ordained for him or her were written in his book. I believe that though God allowed Grace to pass directly from her creation home to heaven, he ordained her life for a purpose. Maybe it was to change me. Maybe it was to bring me into a closer relationship with him. Maybe it was to inspire my husband to go to Bible college. Maybe it was to equip me to be used by Him to help you bear this grief. Whatever the purpose, I want in.
Are you making your child’s life, however short, count for something? Are you honoring him or her by letting God work through the pain for His purpose? Depending at what point you are reading this, you might not be ready yet. The grief may be far too new. But in time, I hope you will allow God to fulfill His promise to “work all things for good for those who love him” (Romans 8:28). Tell God you are angry. He can take it. If you let Him, He will show you that He is loving and kind, always… even when our circumstances blind us to His character. Keep reading Psalm 139:
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
God is thinking of you. In this very moment, in that moment when you received the terrible news, when you buried your child… He was thinking of you with thoughts you can’t even count. He loves you, and he’s holding your child safe until you can meet again. Draw near to Him.